Between my daughter, my dogs, and my husband – I AM EXHAUSTED. I apologize for taking a year off – you know how things go. I have all kinds of content in the queue, ready for consumption.
You always say there is a reason for everything. It’s so much easier with the universe to blame.
I’ve never spent a lot on finding a cure. I guess I figured that it hurt for a reason. I guess that’s why I’ve always turned to writing it down.
Not just in stories, but the letters in between.
And I guess that’s why it haunts the pages of everything to self-examine.
Self-defeating? Yeah, probably.
But I don’t know that I had total control over it … and I’m not sure it even matters why.
And yeah, I know, I should be finding another way. I know that I should be out seeking a substitute … but just forgetting never really made sense to me.
So I haven’t been.
Do I feel embarrassed about it?
I think you know the answer to that.
I think you’d probably feel a little bit embarrassed for me,
I know I should’ve moved on ages ago, been happy already …
but it’s never been that easy for me.
Or maybe it was me that made it so hard.
I know I’ve only ever tried a handful of times
to sever this thing torturing me.
It never got me anywhere, with anyone.
No friendship or hobby, no one’s bed worked.
But looking back I maybe never tried hard enough,
and it is my fault.
Maybe I never tried at all.
As the chilly winds have washed over central Texas, so has a new personality over Lucy.
She is quirky, funny, alert, and sweet. She smiles with her eyes – just like Mom. She loves to stand up, dance, and caress peoples’ faces. Her favorite food is bananas mixed with anything. She’s lovely and fun to be around.
We have a routine down, and that has helped with my feelings of disconnect (see previous entry) and loneliness. She wakes around 7:30am, and after a bottle and being tucked in bed next to me, she curls up by my side and takes another nap while I try to do the same. Our mornings are my favorite.
Here are some pictures for my Awkward Balloon followers:
We’ve all seen the Facebook posts from new mothers talking about how in love they instantly were after they had their babies. When I finally held her in my arms, I felt a deep sense of detachment. Where were the unicorns and rainbows shooting from her butt?
They don’t tell you that it doesn’t always spontaneously sweep over you. It was almost as if we swung by the bus stop and picked up this tiny stranger.
The first time I felt like a mother was when she was crying so hard she lost her breath, and when I swept her up in my arms, she immediately collapsed and cooed, silence. I finally felt that connection you read about when I realized that she NEEDED me – something I haven’t ever felt in my life. Someone genuinely depends on my existence for their happiness … That is motherhood.
And so I sit here with a soundly sleeping baby girl in the bassinet to the right of me. There are moments where I stare at her, wondering if she knows that I struggle with the worthiness and attachment of motherhood. In troubling moments of no-sleep or days when everything hurts from bending over a bathtub the wrong way, I usually find her smiling.
All she really knows is that I’m the only sense of home she has ever felt. Whether inside my belly or in my arms, I am her comfort, I am her safe place … and all I really know is that she is mine.
They say that when you’re a mom, your former self goes out the window – soon replaced by a self-sacrificing, deprecating, version of who you used to be. Feeling that lately.
What they don’t tell you is that you’ll resent it. I have lost touch with the “old” me, and that is depressing. I try and write and nothing comes out – my head is filled with thoughts of laundry piling up on the couch, my post-pregnancy body, and the deep sense that I’m not wanted – just barely needed.
Sigh. I can’t sleep. Up in my own thoughts and exhausted.
I need to feel like myself again, I need to feel that overwhelming sense of love. I’m actively searching.
They don’t tell you that motherhood can be lonely … Nope, the books skip right over that.
If any of my faithful followers have checked in on me recently, you’re probably a little confused and trying to play catch up with some big changes in my life. I haven’t written much about … well, anything lately. I try to remember to post pictures, but days pass by somewhat quickly now. I suppose there’s not much to write about when you’re happy, right?
So let’s see … where did I leave off … Oh, right, I had a baby.
4:30 in the morning, on September 4th, 2013. But of course, it began somewhere.