We’ve all seen the Facebook posts from new mothers stating how in love they instantly were after they had their babies. When I finally held her in my arms, I felt a deep sense of detachment. Where were the unicorns and rainbows shooting from her butt?
They don’t tell you that it doesn’t always spontaneously sweep over you. It was almost as if we swung by the bus stop and picked up this tiny stranger.
Being a Mom hasn’t come naturally to me. I wasn’t connected or bonded immediately. I had to spend time with her, lose sleep with her, and learn how to make her laugh.
The first time I felt like a mother was when she was crying so hard she lost her breath, and when I swept her up in my arms, she immediately collapsed and cooed, silence. I finally felt that connection you read about when I realized that she NEEDED me – something I haven’t ever felt in my life. Someone genuinely depends on my existence for their happiness … That is motherhood.
And so I sit here with a soundly sleeping baby girl in the bassinet to the right of me. There are moments where I stare at her, wondering if she knows that I struggle with the worthiness and attachment of motherhood. In troubling moments of no-sleep or days when everything hurts from bending over a bathtub the wrong way, I usually find her smiling.
All she really knows is that I’m the only sense of home she has ever felt. Whether inside my belly or in my arms, I am her comfort, I am her safe place … and all I really know is that she is mine.
They say that when you’re a mom, your former self goes out the window – soon replaced by a self-sacrificing, deprecating, version of who you used to be. Feeling that lately.
What they don’t tell you is that you’ll resent it. I have lost touch with the “old” me, and that is depressing. I try and write and nothing comes out – my head is filled with thoughts of laundry piling up on the couch, my post-pregnancy body, and the deep sense that I’m not wanted – just barely needed.
Sigh. I can’t sleep. Up in my own thoughts and exhausted.
I need to feel like myself again, I need to feel that overwhelming sense of love. I’m actively searching.
They don’t tell you that motherhood can be lonely … Nope, the books skip right over that.
If any of my faithful followers have checked in on me recently, you’re probably a little confused and trying to play catch up with some big changes in my life. I haven’t written much about … well, anything lately. I try to remember to post pictures, but days pass by somewhat quickly now. I suppose there’s not much to write about when you’re happy, right?
So let’s see … where did I leave off … Oh, right, I had a baby.
4:30 in the morning, on September 4th, 2013. But of course, it began somewhere.
A mini nursery tour for friends and family who have asked. Still a lot of decorating/sorting to get done. Also, one of me and another of my two furry children who are getting so big.
“… Yes, to know her is to love her.”
Lucy (Lucille) (thinking “Mae” or “Lynne”) Jones
During my last ultrasound, the tech, my sister, and I, began laughing, and then Lucy smiled on screen. So perfect.
Starting to realize that the worst part about growing up isn’t that your friends scatter – distance is fixable. It’s that they change, usually into people you barely recognize. Therefore, the people you knew to exist, well, die.
OR – is it that with age we become smarter, more observant – and because of that, become more aware of their true identities, traits, and behaviors?
Rather, the things that frustrate you about this person, were maybe things you never saw until you took a step back … But they’ve always been the same. It’s hard to tell if something’s an an asshole if your face is too close, you know. You can quote me on that, I know I’m brilliant.
There’s a follow up entry coming, but Roxy (and Lucy) needs to eat breakfast. Much later.
(the same ol’ Dani)